Saying Good-bye to Turn Home

This will be my last post for a while. A season has come to take time from blogging to turn my heart home, in more than one way.

I'll turn my heart home as our family finishes planning and hosting a graduation open house for my oldest daughter. She is a pride and joy and deserves my best attention.

My husband John is my home. Our marriage has survived a turbulent couple of years. A new door has opened for our relationship. I'll turn my heart home as John and I reconnect in vital ways.

My heart will turn for home when I visit family this summer. The day has not yet arrived when I've resided more years in Michigan than the 27 I had in Colorado. I understand that whether my address is Michigan or Colorado, my citizenship is of Heaven, and that's my real home. But my people and our mountains? They'll never stop being home.

The blogsphere is one of my homes, where I connect with like minds. I've hesitated to pause blogging, because this haven builds up my own spirit at least as much as I intend for it to build yours. But I'm pained by the inability to read your blogs more often. I will genuinely have my heart turned toward home if less writing means more time to actually visit you at your places.

I make no promises or plans right now for a return date on posts. I'd expect to be gone for at least a month, but not past summer's end. I may be inclined to share a worship song on weekends here and there. Comments on existing posts will receive replies.

You can plan on this: sooner or later, I'll have my heart turned toward home here at Building His Body, with plenty to share about the Lord—for Whom we provide a home.

Thus says the LORD:
"Heaven is My throne,
And earth is My footstool.
Where is the house that you will build Me?
And where is the place of My rest?
For all those things My hand has made,
And all those things exist,"
Says the LORD.
"But on this one will I look:
On him who is poor and of a contrite spirit,
And who trembles at My word."
~ Isaiah 66:1-2 (NKJV)

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This post is part of a blog carnival hosted by Peter Pollock. You're invited to visit his site and see what others are saying about today's theme: HOME.

Your comments, questions, and respectful disagreement are most appreciated. Reply to BuildingHisBody.com comments, or e-mail buildingHisbody [plus] @gmail.com
Copyright 2011, Anne Lang Bundy, all rights reserved.

Despair Part II: Inevitable Renewal

"Despair is the damp of hell,
as joy is the serenity of heaven."
~ John Donne

One definition of spiritual battle might be external and / or internal bombardment with lies, especially in the face of loss.

A particularly fierce spiritual battle entered my life in June 2009. The resulting despair is described in "Despair Part I: A Chronology" with these words:

Nearly incapacitating depression is a daily battle ... I am overwhelmed with belief in my failure of the past, having fallen out of God's favor in the present, and utter futility for the future.

Medication for depression is effective treatment for some people. A counselor suggested it last spring and I declined. By December my dark outlook moved me to reconsider. But I feared that numbing the depression might also numb my passion for God and for people. And I sensed that the Lord had an alternative treatment.

That alternative proved to be Truth immersion.

A well stocked home library, trusted friends, and Google offer plenty of information. But only one source contains Truth that leaves no room for question: the Holy Bible.

Though I spent time in Scripture for study, for wisdom, and for the pure pleasure of discovering God, intentional immersion in God's Word effected changes in me. The lies I'd swallowed were dissolved with healthy doses of God's Truth. I felt worthy to approach God with more consistency and boldness.

Renewal became inevitable.

"If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
~ John 8:31-32 (NKJV)

By January 4, I felt increased spiritual strength. But I still suffered physical symptoms of stress, I had to concentrate on some sort of intellectual challenge to head off a PTSD attack, and profound sadness continued to bring on random crying episodes.

I went to sleep that night sorrowing over numerous personal attacks I'd experienced. The next morning, "groanings which cannot be uttered" pleaded for relief. As I prayed, I understood that I sought some sort of vindication or compensation for the injury I've suffered.

I also realized that I would have no hope of offering adequate vindication or compensation for all the injury I've caused. Sadness for myself was transformed into sadness for others.

My prayer became a poem, "Damages." As I finished composing the poem, I felt release. Release brought profound peace—profound peace as intense as the profound sadness which dogged me.

Now, a month later, the peace has prevailed. Despair has fled. What I have experienced is not a makeover, but a renewal which only the Lord of life could give.

You will keep in profound peace
The one whose mind is fixed on You,
Because he trusts in You.
Trust in the LORD forever,
For YAH, the LORD, is everlasting strength.
~ Isaiah 26:3-4

Prince of Peace, You only allow us to know affliction so we might more fully know Your peace. Thank You for renewal. Please make me Your channel of renewal to others. Please bless hundredfold every person who has supported me with their prayers to You and kind words to me.

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This post is part of a blog carnival hosted by Peter Pollock. You're invited to visit his site and see what others are saying about today's theme: Renewal.

Comments, questions, and respectful disagreement are welcome. Reply to BuildingHisBody.com comments, or e-mail buildingHisbody [plus] @gmail.com Copyright 2011, Anne Lang Bundy, all rights reserved.
Image source: ihatecommuting.wordpress.com

Despair Part I: A Chronology

2006 – 2009:
growing tension in life circumstances becomes noticeable

April 2009:
intense grief over estranged brother

June:
spiritual attack occurs during medium burnout; prayer time becoming sporadic

July:
intense Bible study and prayer; brief revival

August:
intense personal/spiritual attack on two fronts amid distraction from prayer

September:
stress symptoms, see doctor

November:
crash #1; depression settles in

January 2010:
crash #2; stop daily blogging, Bible time becomes more sporadic; begin seeing counselor

Spring 2010:
personal/spiritual attacks on more fronts; PTSD symptoms become apparent; anti-depressant medication suggested by counselor and refused

June:
crash #3; stop seeing counselor, fast and pray for a week

July:
personal/spiritual attacks from without cease; spiritual attacks from within are still relentless

September:
blindsided by an attack from without; relative peace obtained with prayer

November:
nearly incapacitating depression is a daily battle; I feel the Lord drawing me to my prayer closet—and my resistance; I am overwhelmed with belief in my failure of the past, having fallen out of His favor in the present, and utter futility for the future

TURNING POINT, DECEMBER 2010:

During the months of battling depression, I've repeatedly cried out to God that I just want to return to where I was before. The last time I experienced sustained depression was in the 80's, just before I surrendered my life to the Lord. The fire in my heart for Him has not dimmed, but I don't know how to draw close to Him when feeling so worthless.

Throughout this trial, I've believed my life wears a "DETOUR – LORD AT WORK" sign. But I've reached the point of believing the sign will not come down this side of Heaven.

Then on December 1, these words speak to my soul with assurance that the trial may have an end:
But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. (1 Peter 5:10, NKJV)

Within a week I read a blog post by Lyla Lindquist titled "The Work of an Adjuster." Lyla closes with these words:
Because I know, when He did what He did to make me whole, the farthest thing from His mind was putting me back in the same position as I was before.

The words Lyla speaks—both through her article and to me personally—bring hope.

As part of regular Bible reading and study, I have read through the Bible in a year, seven times during the 90's. By the third week of December, I decide I need to do so again. Unwilling to wait even a couple more weeks for the new year, I lay out a schedule which will begin on the winter solstice. I determine that as more sunlight fills each day, my life will also hold more Light. (December 21 post: "Darkness & Light")

By the end of the month (year), I have begun spending mornings in my prayer closet again on a daily basis.

Despair Part II: Inevitable Renewal will appear on Tuesday.

Comments, questions, and respectful disagreement are welcome. Reply to BuildingHisBody.com comments, or e-mail buildingHisbody [plus] @gmail.com Copyright 2011, Anne Lang Bundy, all rights reserved.