2006 – 2009:
growing tension in life circumstances becomes noticeable
intense grief over estranged brother
spiritual attack occurs during medium burnout; prayer time becoming sporadic
intense Bible study and prayer; brief revival
intense personal/spiritual attack on two fronts amid distraction from prayer
stress symptoms, see doctor
crash #1; depression settles in
crash #2; stop daily blogging, Bible time becomes more sporadic; begin seeing counselor
personal/spiritual attacks on more fronts; PTSD symptoms become apparent; anti-depressant medication suggested by counselor and refused
crash #3; stop seeing counselor, fast and pray for a week
personal/spiritual attacks from without cease; spiritual attacks from within are still relentless
blindsided by an attack from without; relative peace obtained with prayer
nearly incapacitating depression is a daily battle; I feel the Lord drawing me to my prayer closet—and my resistance; I am overwhelmed with belief in my failure of the past, having fallen out of His favor in the present, and utter futility for the future
TURNING POINT, DECEMBER 2010:
During the months of battling depression, I've repeatedly cried out to God that I just want to return to where I was before. The last time I experienced sustained depression was in the 80's, just before I surrendered my life to the Lord. The fire in my heart for Him has not dimmed, but I don't know how to draw close to Him when feeling so worthless.
Throughout this trial, I've believed my life wears a "DETOUR – LORD AT WORK" sign. But I've reached the point of believing the sign will not come down this side of Heaven.
Then on December 1, these words speak to my soul with assurance that the trial may have an end:
But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. (1 Peter 5:10, NKJV)
Within a week I read a blog post by Lyla Lindquist titled "The Work of an Adjuster." Lyla closes with these words:
Because I know, when He did what He did to make me whole, the farthest thing from His mind was putting me back in the same position as I was before.
The words Lyla speaks—both through her article and to me personally—bring hope.
As part of regular Bible reading and study, I have read through the Bible in a year, seven times during the 90's. By the third week of December, I decide I need to do so again. Unwilling to wait even a couple more weeks for the new year, I lay out a schedule which will begin on the winter solstice. I determine that as more sunlight fills each day, my life will also hold more Light. (December 21 post: "Darkness & Light")
By the end of the month (year), I have begun spending mornings in my prayer closet again on a daily basis.
Despair Part II: Inevitable Renewal will appear on Tuesday.
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- Despair Part II: Inevitable Renewal
- Despair Part I: A Chronology
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