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Sunday, February 6, 2011

Despair Part I: A Chronology

2006 – 2009:
growing tension in life circumstances becomes noticeable

April 2009:
intense grief over estranged brother

spiritual attack occurs during medium burnout; prayer time becoming sporadic

intense Bible study and prayer; brief revival

intense personal/spiritual attack on two fronts amid distraction from prayer

stress symptoms, see doctor

crash #1; depression settles in

January 2010:
crash #2; stop daily blogging, Bible time becomes more sporadic; begin seeing counselor

Spring 2010:
personal/spiritual attacks on more fronts; PTSD symptoms become apparent; anti-depressant medication suggested by counselor and refused

crash #3; stop seeing counselor, fast and pray for a week

personal/spiritual attacks from without cease; spiritual attacks from within are still relentless

blindsided by an attack from without; relative peace obtained with prayer

nearly incapacitating depression is a daily battle; I feel the Lord drawing me to my prayer closet—and my resistance; I am overwhelmed with belief in my failure of the past, having fallen out of His favor in the present, and utter futility for the future


During the months of battling depression, I've repeatedly cried out to God that I just want to return to where I was before. The last time I experienced sustained depression was in the 80's, just before I surrendered my life to the Lord. The fire in my heart for Him has not dimmed, but I don't know how to draw close to Him when feeling so worthless.

Throughout this trial, I've believed my life wears a "DETOUR – LORD AT WORK" sign. But I've reached the point of believing the sign will not come down this side of Heaven.

Then on December 1, these words speak to my soul with assurance that the trial may have an end:
But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. (1 Peter 5:10, NKJV)

Within a week I read a blog post by Lyla Lindquist titled "The Work of an Adjuster." Lyla closes with these words:
Because I know, when He did what He did to make me whole, the farthest thing from His mind was putting me back in the same position as I was before.

The words Lyla speaks—both through her article and to me personally—bring hope.

As part of regular Bible reading and study, I have read through the Bible in a year, seven times during the 90's. By the third week of December, I decide I need to do so again. Unwilling to wait even a couple more weeks for the new year, I lay out a schedule which will begin on the winter solstice. I determine that as more sunlight fills each day, my life will also hold more Light. (December 21 post: "Darkness & Light")

By the end of the month (year), I have begun spending mornings in my prayer closet again on a daily basis.

Despair Part II: Inevitable Renewal will appear on Tuesday.

Comments, questions, and respectful disagreement are welcome. Reply to comments, or e-mail buildingHisbody [plus] Copyright 2011, Anne Lang Bundy, all rights reserved.


  1. Anne, I'm sorry things were so tough for you. I look forward to the next post and reading about your renewal.

  2. in struggles you're my peace
    When I'm broken, you are my strength,
    my love, my life
    My hope, my solace...
    good song to sing in situation like this.... with our God we can jump over the walls...

  3. So glad God brought you through the trials sis, love you.

  4. I cried unto the Lord and He rescued me ... praying.

  5. I think you are remarkable. Thank you for so boldly sharing your journey. At one point today I had a random thought that surprised and thrilled me, but seemed out of place. As I prayed just now that the Holy Spirit whisper in my heart what to write to you I was reminded of that thought and now it makes perfect sense. It was meant to be shared with you.
    One day we will be seated with God. We will eat and drink with Him, yes us. That will be our reality and everything He has planned for us points in that direction. Blessed be that day. As we careen towards it with great velocity to greet it, may we smile in our hearts until we arrive.

  6. Keli ~

    I'm grateful to you for the support you have been.

  7. Natasa ~

    He is everything, in every circumstance. He gives us our joys and carries us in our hardships. He is life and love and light.

  8. Denise ~

    He has done so very much more than bring me through the trials. : )

  9. Susan ~

    If He did no more than rescue, He would be good. He does so much more.

  10. T ~

    I was yesterday morning discussing a life of transparency I feel the Lord has ordained for me. I don't know that I ever really get used to it. For my sake only, I would mightily resist such boldness. For His sake only, I would willingly yield. But when I consider that there are people who need to be comforted with the comfort with which our Lord has comforted me, I am compelled to be open, even when I remember the times my transparency has been violated.

    Thank you for sharing your vision. That day seems such a very long way off, as no more than a dream. When we feast with Him, it is these few days on the earth which shall seem like a distant vapor that wasn't quite real.

  11. Wow, Anne. It is amazing when there is shaking we want to return to before. In your case, the 'before' seemed so much better but He even shakes the good to give us the better. I don't understand what all that looks like, but I trust He will reveal Himself to you in greater measure in the time to come. Thankful you're stepping into the new season. Blessings, Anne.

  12. Jason ~

    Brokenness wasn't in only me, but in many things in my life. I'm past the turning point. I am being renewed. God alone knows what will be recovered better than before, and what might replace the things not recovered.

  13. Oh Anne. I'm reminding myself of these words, not mine, even now. You and your surrender bless me, give me hope.

  14. Lyla ~

    How I remember the many days when Hope seemed real for only a distant day, and no longer real for the present time.

    You have moved my soul far from peace;
    I have forgotten prosperity.
    And I said, "My strength and my hope
    Have perished from the LORD." ...
    This I recall to my mind,
    Therefore I have hope.
    Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed,
    Because His compassions fail not.
    They are new every morning;
    Great is Your faithfulness.
    "The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
    "Therefore I hope in Him!"
    The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
    To the soul who seeks Him.
    It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
    For the salvation of the LORD.
    It is good for a man to bear
    The yoke in his youth...
    Let him give his cheek to the one who strikes him,
    And be full of reproach.
    For the Lord will not cast off forever.
    Though He causes grief,
    Yet He will show compassion
    According to the multitude of His mercies.
    For He does not afflict willingly,
    Nor grieve the children of men.

    (Lamentations 3)

    When hope seems lost, it warps time. If you have a few moments, look over this post:
    Traffic in Hope.


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