Friday Freelance: FEIGNED

"It ain’t no disgrace for a man to fall, but to lie there and grunt is."
~ Josh Billings

Friday Freelance: FEIGNED
#encouragement

I've got this theme for Fridays—one word titles beginning with the letter 'f'. I usually know what I want to write and figure out what 'f' word dovetails into the theme. This time, the Lord gave me the word first: Feigned.

I didn't want to do a word that means false. If you want to rile me, misrepresent the truth. But that 'f' word kept coming to mind over the last few days when I asked the Lord what to write about this Friday.

Okay. I'll work with it.

A number of people have suggested I make blog posts more personal, because they're more interesting and more applicable that way. So I've been trying that. After recently talking about myself for several posts, though, I feel a little disgusted. Partly because this blog is supposed to be about building up you—Christ's body—not me. Partly because I want to put attention on Jesus, not me. Partly because I want to talk about things good and pleasant, not me.

Now please don't start thinking about all the nice things you're going to put in the comments. I appreciate that a number of people think well of me, even though I have yet to figure out how to handle compliments graciously. That's not what this is about.

Today's post is about the fact that I don't want to continually drag readers through the grime of my life. Yet if you don't know the grime is there, then all of this really does feel feigned.

I love the Lord. I wish I spent more time with Him. I used to consistently spend a two or three hours every morning indulgently reading His Word and praying. I loved it. I want to get back to that place, instead of the less than an hour it's become. Because the more time I spend with the Lord, the more clearly I discern His voice, the more solidly I begin my day with dependence on Him, and the more powerfully I'm equipped with His Spirit for every aspect of life.

Yet I don't quite manage it anymore. When I do, distractions take over far too easily.

The results are more marital conflict. I'm less patient and attentive with my children. I minister to others with canned goods rather than fresh fruit more often than I want to. My words, my actions, and my initiatives have more of me mixed in and less of the Spirit. And my temper? I let myself get riled, and then I'm likely to be anything but gracious.

I still walk in the Spirit. I talk to God and rely on Him throughout the day. But like punching the gas pedal on 4 cylinders and expecting to accelerate smoothly onto the freeway with V-8 horses, I can feel the difference. I may even stall and falter if I push too hard.

I'm human. But I also dislike being in this place. And I wonder how much is lost to me, to you, to everyone else whose life I touch because I'm still learning to walk the walk that I talk. Like sand slipping through my fingers, each day slips into eternity minus what might have been.

This post feels like a bit of a downer to me. I apologize for that.

Whatever else my other posts have been, this one's anything but feigned.

Contrasting points-of-view, questions and feedback are invited. Post to BuildingHisBody.com "Comments" or e-mail to BuildingHisBody@gmail.com. Copyright 2009, Anne Lang Bundy, all rights reserved.